The Activity of Psychotherapy

Like any new activity, engaging in psychotherapy to become intimate with ourselves takes practice. It is a two person activity. It is not something a therapist does. Not therapeutic skills. Each time we experience a new part of ourselves, we make a new decision whether we can tolerate knowing about it. There is always a moment of hesitation and choice. And that is the moment of courage. Sometimes we can gather the strength and momentum to go forward and sometimes we have to pause and build it.

There will be missteps. The therapist will miss things or be off base. We will back up or avoid things. We will feel misunderstood. The therapist will have opinions and biases. This joint activity, like any duet, will give us more knowledge, more information. How do we handle being with another person. Do they have to be perfect? Do we?

The relationship is important but it is important because of what it does not what it is. It allows us access to ourselves as active agents. What do we do about fear? What do we do about the imperfections of another person? Can we remain engaged even when there are those missteps?

However idiosyncratic each person is, a relationship reflects the patterns of interacting that each person has learned. Which part is me? Which part is them? One way we learn is by noticing what is the same as in other relationships and what is different. If each relationship I have ends in disconnect and isolation, it cannot always be the other person’s fault. Can I tolerate seeing what part is my own perspective and action, regardless of my felt intention?

How can we get a more accurate understanding the reality of our lives without being misled by our own distortions? The only way to get a view from the outside is through the reactions and reflections of another person. Of course that person has his or her own distortions. Ideally, what the therapist’s training brings is the capacity to reflectively consider possible realities without an agenda and practice in being present in the service of another person’s personal development. And most importantly, for both people in a relationship, the capacity to stick with it and care about what happens.

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When Your Mind is at Odds with You

It is fairly easy to believe that whatever mind state we find ourselves in represents who we really are. But we also know that at different times we feel like different people. Sometimes we feel competent, at ease, compassionate, expansive, and powerful. At other times we feel inept, tense, irritable, contracted, and helpless. These two are only a sample of the many mind states we can inhabit. Which one is the real me? Our minds generate experience with associated affects and thoughts as a means of making sense of the world. Sometimes we have experiences and our minds interpret those experiences, and sometimes our minds apply their own versions of reality to the experiences we have. In other words, sometimes we learn from experience, but sometimes we force experience to fit in with what we think we already know or feel.

It is common for a person to make resolutions or commitments but find that when it comes time to live up to them, he or she no longer feels the same kind of investment in that direction. Sometimes this has to do with short term desires versus long-term desires. What do I want right now and what do I want for the future? We might give in to short term desires only to be disappointed in ourselves because we gave up our long term desires. There is a disagreement between me and me.

Of course at the heart of the matter is our own clarity about our deepest ideals and how to align our choices and our actions with those ideals. When we use other people’s opinions as a measure of ourselves, we are in conflict with our own deeper selves. When we use our short-term desires or our wish to avoid feeling bad as measures of our choices and actions, we also lose sight of the more important, deeper, meanings that make our lives feel satisfying. Ultimately, the only way to evaluate how we are doing as we go along is to look into our own minds and measure ourselves against the ideal self we are trying to grow into.

This focus can be distorted if it is used as a self-criticism based on some kind of perfectionism. It can work against us if we use our ideals as a source of inner pain and disorganization. Instead, we reflectively examine our experiences, which include the reactions of other people, and we use our wish to grow as a reference point for decisions and actions. We are becoming someone that is evolving out of who we are right now. And we just need to know that we are going in the right direction, even if we have a long way to go to reach the state of being our “own perfect person.”


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Factors in Relationships

I am currently reading Leslie Greenberg and Rhonda Goldman’s wonderful book “Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.” Their complex formulation of the structure of intimate relationships is a very worthwhile perspective. They posit that couples’ relationships have 3 important components: attachment, identity, and interest. The emotional responses of each person can arise from any of the three components.

Attachment is the experience that the relationship is safe and that it is a haven in times of trouble. Attachment relationships are initially created and modeled on those with parents, but other relationships can have attachment functions as well. When we have difficulty, we turn to the people who care for us for reassurance, support, and protection. These attachment relationships are fundamental to a sense of well-being. Without a feeling of safety, we do not have the courage to explore the world and take risks to try new things. Most therapy for couples focuses on the attachment component of the relationship.

What this book adds is an explanation of the importance of the identity, or autonomy, component. While the experience of safety in a relationship is crucial, it is insufficient for optimal functioning. Identity is about who each person is separately from the other. One of the important parts of relating to any other person is being willing to know that person as he or she is, endorse and promote his or her ideals and aspirations, and allow that person a separate life. This entails allowing that person to own (have) his or her own struggles, challenges, pain, and failure as well as accomplishments and success. It involves being available to understand that person’s experience as a separate experience; offer whatever reflection, reassurance, and support that he or she wants or needs; and standing apart as an accurate and encouraging witness.

Relationships are about the balance between intimacy and autonomy. Each person has unique wishes for involvement and separateness, and part of the art of relating is knowing about these individual wishes and allowing them to regulate the relationship. There will be mismatches to be sure. One person may want more involvement and the other may want less. This may result in negotiating and experimenting. The good will of assuming good intentions and bringing good intentions goes a long way. Allowing the other person to be as he or she is and trusting that person to be responsible for his or her own ideals and growth frees us to enjoy getting to know another person as he or she really is.


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Thinking Like an Alien

Every once in a while it is helpful to take some time to listen to what our own minds can come up with. There are several ways to do this. The main thing is that we are trying to avoid derivative thinking: that is, taking ideas that we have read or heard, using perspectives that have been given to us, and fashioning solutions that are just reworking other solutions from somewhere else.

This is tantamount to Elon Musk’s idea of first principles thinking. Instead of assuming any facts or historical solutions are accurate, we ask ourselves: If there were no limits of time or space, money or expertise, how might we go at this problem? Much like an alien visiting the earth, we try to avoid assuming we know anything about the situation and see if we can look at it with fresh eyes.

Anthropologists do this when they visit another culture. They don’t know why the people of that culture do what they do, so they ask them and they try to understand how it all works together. They cannot use the assumptions of their own culture because they do not apply. We can be so embedded in the ways we see the world that we cannot invent new perspectives, processes or solutions because we only rehash the old ones.

We can energize our thinking by asking questions about what the goal is: What is the real problem we are trying to solve? What are the characteristics of the outcome that we want? For Musk it was inventing an electric car. This meant figuring out how to power the car in a cost effective way. He started with the problem of automobile design. He could have started from the problem of human transportation.

So first, we have to be able to define the problem we are trying to solve. Then we have to take time to generate ideas. This is the old technique of brainstorming, but that often becomes another way of rehashing. There is no substitute for taking uninterrupted time to allow our minds to float. Surprisingly, what floats up are often new ideas that are unexpected even to ourselves.

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Pay Attention to the Cause, Not the Symptom

If we were to identify our inner experience as either wanted or unwanted, pleasurable or painful, we might think of unwanted inner experiences as signals that some part of our lives needs attention and possibly change. In other words, our inner experience could be seen as a guide toward better self care-taking or toward what might result in our growth, inner or outer. The unpleasant inner experience is the messenger. The Buddhists say that if you see someone pointing at the moon, you are supposed to look at the moon, not at the finger of the person pointing toward it. Sort of the same thing: The important thing is the message, not the messenger.

What happens often, though, is that we try to alleviate the unpleasant feeling without thinking about the message it carries. This approach leads to forms of pain relief that stop us from feeling the bad feelings, but ultimately do not change the reality of what is not working in our choices, behaviors, or thoughts. Of course we want to feel better but there can be a pause where we allow ourselves to be curious about why it is that those bad feelings are getting generated in the first place.

Because so many of our assumptions about our inner states rest on the idea that our brains are broken, our chemistry is off, or we are somehow defective, we do  not respect the information that those feeling-states are pointing toward. We assume there is no good reason for how we are feeling and that the bad feelings themselves are the problem. The damage of this view is not only that the causes remain unaddressed but that we have profoundly disrespected our own minds. Over time we turn toward other people to tell us what to do and how to think and we rely on chemical intervention to regulate our inner states.

There is nothing good about being in pain. It makes sense to try to feel better. It is just that if we are only concerned with feeling better and do not make some effort to understand the causes of those feelings, we may be ignoring an important message. Our perceptions are an attempt by our minds to let us know about parts of our experience that we have not thought about. We may be distorted in our understanding of those perceptions, but it does not mean the perceptions themselves should be thrown out.

The balance is in respecting our own experience and also being willing to listen to other perspectives, question our assumptions, and make effort to understand in a more nuanced, complex way what our experience is trying to tell us. We choose the people we listen to, we are open to different views, and at the same time we respect that our own minds have a privileged and reasonable perspective on our own unique lives.

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Even though we do not always want to admit it, some of the advice from previous generations is accurate. When I think about the people I talk with every day, I see that everyone has difficulties, unexpected losses, and internal conflicts of one kind or another. Some people seem to withstand distress with less destructive outcomes than other people. From what I can see, the basic difference is an internal decision of determination. People may have similar kinds of loss, but the people who tell me “I am determined to make my life the best it can be, no matter what,” seem to do much better.

We have many cultural expressions to encourage determination: “Hang in there.” or “Never give up…” This persistence in the face of stress is a kind of wisdom that we have heard from our parents and grandparents. It seems simplistic and also obvious. The interesting point, though, is that determination is not about our emotional state. It is not about what we think we can do. It is not about our resources or capabilities. It is about an internal type of commitment to ourselves and our own well-being.

A while ago I was talking with the father of a young adolescent. She wanted very much to be an artist, but she was really in the middle of the class in terms of talent. Her father was struck with a sincere admiration of her spirit as she has persisted over years to become good at what she does and she is now working with some of the best teachers. He thought maybe because she was coming from behind she had to try harder and maybe that is why she did so well. It was surprising and delightful for him to watch her.

The researcher Carol Dweck at Stanford has spent a career studying people’s understanding of what they can do. She says some people think you are naturally good at things and so when they have difficulty, they believe they are not good at what they are doing and they stop. But other people recognize that capability is developed through effort. When something is difficult, they feel gratified by making the effort to develop themselves because they believe growth comes through effort. She calls this a growth mindset. In other words, if something requires effort, this type of person believes he or she will gain something from the effort.

So, really, it is a matter of deciding what we want to grow in ourselves and persisting in developing those parts. The persistence comes from determination, not motivation, not feelings or ideas. It comes from making a decision to conquer a challenge. We get to choose where we put our hours, and then, having decided what is important, we get to pour our energy into those pursuits.

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In Case of Emergency: Turning Unhappy to Happy

“Happiness, that is, true well being is not just a mere pleasurable sensation, it is a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment, a state that pervades and underlies all emotional states and all the joys and sorrows that come one’s way… It is a state of being; it is not fleeting…Just as the ocean has depth and the waves are on the surface, we have deep consciousness and the feelings and experiences are temporary.”

—Matthieu Ricard TED talk: “The Habits of Happiness 

Here is the beginning of my list. Add to it as you figure out what works for you. Share your ideas in the comments if you’d like.

Try One or  Try One a Day:

Imagine something that makes you feel better, even if it is only for ten minutes. Do ten minutes at a time.

Take A Shower And Brush Your Teeth

Take A Walk

Clean Your Room

Talk To Someone Who Loves You

Do Something For Someone Else

Take Care Of Yourself:

“The Greatest Gift You Can Give Somebody Is Your Own Personal Development. I Used To Say, ‘If You Will Take Care Of Me, I Will Take Care Of You.’ Now I Say, ‘I Will Take Care Of Me For You, If You Will Take Care Of You For Me.’”—Jim Rohn

List Everything You Have Succeeded At In Your Life

Be Busy: Schedule Activities

See An Inspiring Movie

Activate A Relationship: Reach Out

Write In A Journal

Read A Book

Join A Group


Enjoy Small Indulgences

Do Yoga

Get A Massage

Find Deep Conversation

Plan Interesting Experiences

Use Phone Apps And Websites Such As Itsallgoodhere.Com

Visit New Places, Even Locally

Distract Yourself From Negative Thoughts And Bad Habits: Stop Yourself from Ruminating

Express Appreciation, Through Words, Gestures Or Notes

Do Tai Chi

Look At What Other People Do To Be Happy

Change Your Interpretation From Negative To Positive: Reframe

Do What You Are Good At And Get Better At It

Make Open-Ended Goals And Do One Small Step

Work Out: Exercise

Take Action About Something You Care About

Say A Prayer

Tell The Truth

Write Down What Makes You Feel Grateful

Meditate On Compassion

Go Where There Are People:



Shopping Malls

Sports Events

Recite A Mantra

Remember That Whatever You Are Feeling Or Experiencing, There Are Other People In The World Feeling The Same Way

Get Outside In Nature

Recognize We Cannot Control What Is Outside Of Us, Only What Is Inside Of Us

Learn a hobby or craft

A musical instrument, like piano, violin, accordion

A physical activity or sport, like ballroom dancing, skateboarding or circus arts

An art form like painting or sculpture

A craft like knitting, crochet, or sewing

Remember all the difficult emotions and experiences you have already conquered in the past, make a list

Put on energizing music and dance an improvisation

Talk to a wise counselor: a pastor, spiritual advisor, or therapist

Visit an elderly person and ask about their life

Play with children

Watch stand up comedy online

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Character sometimes seems like a notion from the 1800’s. You judge a person by his or her character. There are probably different meanings for the  notion of character, but mostly it has a fuzzy connection with “being a good person.” We need to be able to live with ourselves, and believing we are good persons makes that way more comfortable. So we care about what it means to be a good person.

Character is about moral stance, and over time, psychologists have come to understand that a person’s moral stance is created as the result of a developmental process. Lawrence Kohlberg, as part of a 1958 dissertation, described six stages of moral development that people pass through. These stages provide moral reasoning that makes the person increasingly successful at resolving moral dilemmas. This is why they are considered linear stages. Different people move through all of them, but some people seem to get to a certain stage and stay there.

Kohlberg’s stages start with small children who do the right thing to avoid punishment. As they grow a little bit, they follow rules because it will benefit them personally. As adolescents, people want to fit in and so they follow norms of their group and by adulthood, they understand that rules are necessary for society to function. The fifth stage is recognizing that different people might have different ideas of what is right and wrong, and rules might not always be useful or applicable.

Kohlberg’s sixth and final stage of moral development is a universal ethics orientation where people can empathize with other people’s thoughts and feelings and they make decisions based on their own internal sense of ethical right and wrong. They develop a sense of universal ideals. For people who are able to mature to this stage of moral reasoning, the standards of what they believe is ethical are carried as thoughtful, reflectively chosen ideals. They make decisions and take actions in line with those personal ideals, whether or not anyone else knows they are doing this.

This is the important point. For a person with character, it is not the judgements of other people, the rules of their organizations or the laws of their community that regulate their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, it is their own judgment. This does not mean that that person ignores social mores or disregards the opinions of other people. On the contrary, he or she is more tuned in to the ideas of other people because learning and growing are part of that ongoing developmental process. And because each of our choices continues to create us as people.

So this comes back down to the conversation between me and me. Only I will know if I have done the difficult, but better, thing. Only I will see my choices in the context of my ideals. So ultimately, character is something I create decision by decision and something only I can truly know about myself.


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Dragged by Karma or Led by Vow

Shohaku Okumura, a great zen teacher, has said you will either be “dragged by karma or led by vow.” In psychological terms this means you will live out the imprinted patterns of behavior, thought, feeling and belief that you are used to or you will live out a commitment to the ideals of a self that you aspire to be. In other words, you life will be mindless reaction or conscious proaction. To put it yet another way: You are, at every moment, living through habit or through choice.

Each action you take, each thought you endorse, each feeling you believe strengthens a perspective–a world-view–that is one of many possible world-views you hold. Those perspectives are built and solidified by repetitive attention and action. If you are not reflectively recognizing what you are choosing, you are left with an increasingly rigid default point of view. Ultimately, with a commitment to a conscious, thoughtful effort, you can become truly liberated from unseen self-sabotaging motives. At least most of the time.

We want to be in charge of our lives, the agents of our actions, and the decision-makers for our choices. Sometimes without realizing it, we see ourselves replaying old habits, or even more frustrating, habits of people in our families. Genuine change, and therefore genuine freedom, is possible with a serious decision to get to know what we care about, what we want, and what we are able to do. And then reconnecting with that decision every time we get off track. We really can become the people we want to be by incrementally building our self of the future and not getting stuck in our self of the past.


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The Courage to Know

When you decide to engage in long-term therapy with a good therapist, you are entering into an ongoing dialogue which has as its focus in the internal workings of your mind. It is a route toward increased intimacy with yourself. It is often emotional or psychological pain that drives us to this project, but once there, we begin to learn the wonder of the complexity of our own minds. There is more to us than we think!

So first, we create a relationship with a therapist who is patient, kind, and thoughtful. We have to have that chemistry that we have with people we want to be friends with. In other words, we don’t feel alienated from that therapist. We begin to feel safer. More complicated feelings, thoughts, and ideals begin to surface. The relationship becomes calmer, even mundane at times.

We have a fear. Perhaps subtle. That what we will find inside of ourselves will be messy, broken, or destructive. We get to the threshold of deeper connection with ourselves and we hesitate. Do we want to know about our own inner pain? What if we hate ourselves as people, or worse, what if we have mean and hurtful motives? The relationship with a stable  accepting person creates a psychological space in which we can discover our true selves–if we have the courage to do that.

We will encounter parts of ourselves that we wish were better. We will find that we are not as perfect or as good as we wish we were. Somehow we come through that disappointment in ourselves and find that we are part of a larger reality. We can come to appreciate ourselves as we are, integrating those different parts into a whole person. And by extension, we can appreciate and accept other people wth their anxieties and their imperfections. We get to a place of no longer feeling bad. No longer feeling disappointed. We begin to see the complex miracle of ourselves as whole persons.


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